The world of Wine was rocked this morning by new research revealing the real reason behind the catastrophic shortfall in global wine stocks.
Hitherto theories on ever-depleting production levels of wine had centred around climate change and the increasing problems volatile conditions posed to Producers; Hail storms, climbing temperatures and “unseasonal shifts in weather patterns” were widely cited as the most likely causes. However, the lid was unceremoniously ripped off what industry experts labelled a “massive crock of conspiracy flavoured balls” today with the revelation that the Global shortfall in wine was in fact the work of “one single man”.
Rupert Bandislap of The Wine Authority Think-tank (TWAT), the industry’s leading advisory body, announced at a capacity Press Conference held early this morning in Burgundy, that “contrary to conventional wisdom” the real reason the world was facing such devastating shortages was because “Coggers has gone and drunk it all”.
The earth-shaking announcement has left the International wine community reeling. Arthur “the Chuggmeister” Coggill’s rapacious appetite for the noble grape is a well known and accepted fact but it was believed that his legendary thirst was tightly controlled by enforced daily incarceration in a big box.
“The industry has under-estimated (Coggill’s) consumption,” elucidated a spokesman for TWAT, before going on to reveal that the Oenophile “may have escaped from the box.”
A crisis meeting has been called by respected Industry bodies and there were calls for Prime Minister David Cameron to convene COBRA as a matter of urgency. Although unavailable for comment in person the Cabinet Office did release this short statement:
“We at the coalition take this news incredibly seriously. If it turns out that Arthur Coggill has indeed somehow managed to get out of his box then god help us all.”